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This, my friends, will be one of your favorite emails every week. We're gonna bring you laughs, links, stories, pictures, lies, drinks, and there was something else I'm not remembering. Hold on. Oh yes! Golf! "The gentleman's commute," I once heard it called. Anyway my name's Jordan and I don't have a whole lotta time, so let's get down to the business at hand... what will be a weekly tradition from here on out.
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The Rocket Mortgage Classic
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It's goin' down in the D this weekend. Honestly, could there have ever been a better combination than Detroit, Rocket Mortgage, and Independence Day? Not if you were making a brilliant satire about America, that's for sure. Did you know that Day-twah is French for "straight" and that the city's motto is "We hope for better?" Folks, YCMTSU (you can't make this S up)!
FUN FACTS: With around 670,000 residents, Detroit is nearly the same population as Kumamoto, Japan. And boy-oh-boy do I LOVE their oysters. At roughly 150 square miles, Detroit is nearly identical in size to Medellîn, Columbia. And man-oh-man do I LOVE their... pearls? Yeah! Wink! The Motor City's new Mayor Mike Duggan recently got engaged and he'll be celebrating a birthday on July 15th. It's a big summer for that guy, indeed! Surely a scandal awaits.
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We've been up all night working on our prediction algorithm run by The Golf Whizard 3000's many cords and plugs and whatnot. Finally got her working this morning and she really blew my mind with this single printout...
A classic anagram mystery solved. Who could "Ol' Mr. Ascot" be but none other than the chap in the cap, Bryson DeChambeau. But wait, you're saying... What's a cacti kegger? Sounds like a celebration to me! And now I hear you again mumbling complaints. Speak up! Bryson's not from the desert you say? He's from near San Fran, you thought? You're right. Bryson's from Modesto. And do you know what is the nickname for the Modesto Cactus? The Christmas cactus! Christmas in July, folks– it all makes sense, look it up– we've got a repeat champion. Here's the rest of the GW3000's top five finishers:
1. Bryson Dechambeau -23
2. Hideki Matsuyama -22
T3.Harold Varner III -20
T3. Jason Day -20
5. Maverick McNealy -19
The GW3000 also predicted that Bronson Burgoon will rear end Phil Mickelson in the parking lot on Friday. Crazy!
Have a great weekend, everyone. And Happy Birthday America! You're not as bad as everyone says you are!
Sincerely,
Jordan from the Gooofs Team
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